Gobsmacked

 Yesterday, I celebrated my 74th circuit around our sun. That’s right, at the time of my birth, it was the fourth day of the Battle of Britain. It was the day that Mussolini successfully invaded Egypt. And, now I look at my life as a fine old wine, it was a very good year; yada, yada, yada. Well, that was yesterday; today, everything has changed. Today, I am, as my English friends say, ‘Gobsmacked’!!

 

Yes, dear reader, today I received in the mail a form letter from none other than my primary care physician; a very hot lady doctor from India.  To quote directly from the letter:

“To My Valued Patient:

I have been practicing medicine at xxxxx for the past few years and have valued being your primary care physician. I have made the decision to discontinue my practice and to make a lifestyle change. Thus, August 1, will be my last day at this location. Blah, blah, blah…..

Sincerely, 

Kavita xxxxx, MD “

 

I screamed. I tore my clothes. I set my hair on fire. Then, I reconsidered. I wonder if it had anything to do with the cough test the other day during our office visit. I wonder if I should speak to her about my wife, while I can. I wonder if she has any idea what this is doing to my blood pressure. I may have to meditate so hard that I develop a Hemorrhoid.

 

No matter what happens, I am adrift again in the maw of the maelstrom, and I hear that awful, sucking sound that precedes the whirling descent into the bowels of the Medicare system. Fortunately, I am a Veteran, and I can always go running with my tail between my legs to a Veteran’s Administration hospital. I would never do it now, however, because our brave men and women fighting in the Middle East need all the bed space they can get.

 

Forlorn and depressed, I made my way into a small bar near my village, and taking a seat at the counter, ordered a double Jack Daniels. A youngish blonde was seated at a stool nearby, and she eyed me as I threw down the double shot like a Russian drinks vodka. Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around on the stool, faced me, looked me straight in the eye and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean…, it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest, I responded, “No kidding. I’ve been looking for a lawyer. What firm are you with?” 

 

I’ll close now, with one of my sick jokes:

 

A doctor on his morning walk noticed an old lady sitting on her front step smoking a cigar so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look!  What is your secret?”

 

 

“I smoke ten cigars a day,” she said. ‘”Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels whiskey every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don’t exercise at all.”

 

“That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?”

“Thirty-four,” she replied.